Taking charge of our lives

Instinctively, most of us want to be in charge of our lives.  It is a huge drive for many of us, myself included, to take of our own lives.  It's a good thing!  But what does it actually mean for you?

In simple terms it means having control over significant areas of your life.  These can include what you eat, how you dress, what your environment looks and feels like, what work you do, what skill sets you have, aspects of your life style, your opinions, who your friends are, who you socialise with, and a host of other things that are probably coming to mind right now.  

In fact, taking control in areas of your life which are important to you, is one of the prerequisites for good mental health, and something that we teach our children, as they grow ever bigger.  We hand over control over their own lives, to them, bit by bit, as they become more skilled and mature.

But is it not all down to fate, and luck, and being born in the right place at the right time?  Of course there are some areas in which we have no control at all.  But when we speak about taking charge of our lives, we are not talking about external factors being under our control.  We are talking about having control over our responses, whatever happens to us.

Think back for a moment to COVID and the lockdowns.  We were thrown into circumstances that were completely beyond our control, and yet, for the most part, we started to take charge of our own lives.  We decided how we were going to respond.  We changed the way we worked, we changed the way we did business, we changed the way we socialised, we changed the way we exercised.  Mostly, we changed everything from in person to online!  But we changed.  Some of us took up new hobbies and interests, some of us revisited old hobbies and interests.  Whatever we did, we didn't just stop.  We looked at what was available to us, and moved on with that.  And for some of us, there were lots of new opportunities that we hadn't ever seen before.

When you think about it, that's amazing!  With the rug pulled out from under our feet in almost every area, we adapted, found resourcefulness, dug down for resilience, and took charge of whatever we could.  This is what I mean by taking charge.

It happens in the most 'normal' circumstances, too.  Think of having a new baby!  So much that was under your control is now upended by a totally demanding bundle of joy.  It's hard, we learn how much sleep we can do without, our brains are totally taken up with the minutiae of baby rearing, but still, we take charge, in whatever ways we can.  If you are the mother, you will find your body taken over by your baby (that's a really odd feeling of loss of control!) and yet, we take charge again and move on with our post-baby bodies.

Other situations can also be outwith our control - think of a new job, moving to a new area, changes in relationships, illness, and of course, war and natural disasters.  In these situations, we see, again and again, people taking charge of their lives and doing what they can to move on.

So, what do they do?  What do we do?  There are some crucial keys to taking charge of our lives, whatever is happening, and here they are.

Firstly, you have to know what you want, given the circumstances.  Look at what is going on, and decide, given whatever it is that is happening, what it is that you want.  Both are crucial, the restrictions, and what you want.  For instance, say we go into lockdown again, take that into account.  There is no point in saying "I want to go out and live my life as normal" because that's not possible.  You would be wasting a massive amount of time and energy saying that (and fretting, and complaining).  Instead, it would be much more effective to say "Given the restrictions, and knowing what I can and cannot do, what do I want to do?"  

Those of you who know me at all, will be expecting me to bang on about sense of self, here.  And, indeed, a strong sense of self is what we need, in order to actually know what we want, deep down inside, easily and quickly.  Developing our sense of self helps us decide what we want, helps us set the postcode for our own personal GPS or satnav.  Just leaving that here.

So, given that you have looked at your circumstances, and have decided what you want given the circumstances, what happens next?

The second step is to look at what you CAN do, rather than what you can't do.  Ask these questions, to get you on track:

What is possible here?

What resources do I have?

Are there different ways to achieve my goal or my desired outcome?  If so, what are they?

Should I adapt my desired outcome to the circumstances?  If yes, what is my new goal?

Are these circumstances throwing up new opportunities for me?  If so, what are they?

Here's a third step.  I'm going to introduce the Pie with Three Sections.  Imagine, if you will, a pie which is divided into three slices.  The whole pie is your situation as it stands right now, your life, or just one situation.  It is divided into three sections or slices, and we need to do different things with each slice.  These are the slices, and what to do with them:

Slice one:  I have no control over these aspects;  be aware of what you can't control, and how that affects your goal, purpose, or desired outcome.  Just be aware, don't spend much energy here.  10% of your focus and energy.

Slice two:  I have some influence over these aspects;  be aware of what you might be able to influence, and note what or who you can influence and how you can be of influence.  20% of your focus and energy

Slice three:  I have control over these aspects;  list everything which is under your control.  This includes your mindset, your thoughts, and your decision making.  Spend most of your time and energy here, because this is where you will make things happen.  70% of your focus and energy.

Make a plan of action based on the Pie of Three Sections, with 70% of the plan based on what you can control.

You can apply this to any situation under the sun.  For example, working with an 'interesting' work colleague.  Family relationships.  Anything weather-related.  The economy and its affect on your business, income, or expenditure.

So here's the summary:

Become aware of your circumstances and the events affecting your life.

Know what you want, and be prepared to be flexible enough to either change your way of getting it, or change your desired outcome to one which is possible under the circumstances.

Focus on what you CAN do, and what you DO have, in resources, time and external help or circumstances.

Have a plan.  You can always change it if necessary, but a plan will keep you moving.

Don't waste time and energy fretting about what you can't control.

Need more help with this?

The fully supported online programme Making Great Life Decisions is for those who want to take charge of their lives in a big way.  It will take you through discovering and strengthening your sense of self, so you can connect with who you are deep down inside, and make decisions which are right for you.  Then I guide you through making a solid workable plan, which is just right for you, with all the brain hacks necessary to get going, keep going, and finish with panache.

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