Decisions: why are they so difficult, and how to nail them once and for all.

I'm writing this blog because so many of my clients come to me with problems when they are making decisions.  Of all the difficulties they experience, decision-making seems to be one of the most fiendish, and they can find it totally baffling.  

See if you can relate to this.  Here are the problems: 

• They go through all the usual steps to making a decision, but it still doesn't feel right. 
• They weigh up all the pros and cons, and still can't make the decision. 
• They can make decisions at work, but don't seem to be able to in their personal lives. 
• They get confused by all the different options, which all seem to be connected with a different part of the problem, and are also contradictory. 
• They desperately search for the 'perfect' solution, and, of course, it doesn't exist. 
• They make a decision, but then keep on second guessing themselves, doubting, coming up with counter-arguments, and the decision is lost. 
• They get THIS close to making a perfectly good decision, but something stops them following through with it, and they don't know what that 'something' is. 
• They actually make the decision, but can't carry it out. 
• They go round and round in circles. 
• They spend forever trying to guess what other people would think or do, and lose sight of what they want. 
• Or they never manage to decide what they want in the first place. 
• They are fearful of making a mistake, cowed or anxious about what other people will think, or just terrified of making the wrong decision. 
• They may also be trying to substitute endless research for a crystal ball (if only we had those!). 
• Or... worst of all, they may wait and wait and wait until circumstances take over, and the decision is taken out of their hands and they are left picking up the pieces.  

If any of these sound a bit like you, I've got something that will help, and it's not what's usually on offer. 

It does seem odd, because there is lots of very good advice out there on how to make decisions.  But here's the problem:  for many, it seems as if something else is needed BEFORE the good advice can work.  

For instance, the University of Massachusetts, Dartmouth, has a very handy download on seven steps to effective decision making.  I'll summarise them here:  they tell us to identify the decision, gather information, identify alternatives, weigh the evidence, choose among alternatives, take action, and review your decision. 

Easy, no?  This is excellent advice for some, particularly in a work situation (more about that later), but for others, it is about as useful as a chocolate teapot.  What if the decision doesn't lend itself easily to being identified?  How do you know which evidence is useful or relevant?  When you are told to weigh the evidence, what do you weigh it against?  What is your yardstick?  Sometimes there are many yardsticks, and they don't always agree with each other.

In another example, the New Scientist has a really good article on the top ten ways to make better decisions.  I really like this article, as it lends different perspectives to the process.  Here's what they say:  don't fear the consequences, go with your gut instincts, consider your emotions, play the devil's advocate, keep your eye on the ball, don't cry over spilt milk, look at it another way, beware social pressure, limit your options, and let someone else choose. 

This brings up some useful aspects of decision-making, once you have got the basics under your belt.  But if you haven't?  Well... how on earth do you

• just follow your heart, when you have no idea what you really want, or how to find out?
• not fear the consequences, if there are likely to be serious consequences if you get it wrong?
• go with your gut instincts, if we can't access them, or you doubt them?
• "not cry over spilt milk" if it was your last drop and you can't get any more (milk, or money, or time, or opportunities)?
• carry out a decision when you are constantly doubting yourself and procrastinating, and self-sabotaging?

I want to make it really clear here:  there are some things that need to be in place before we make a decision.  They are absolutely crucial for the big decisions in life, and will make even small decisions a breeze.  Here they are.

There are actually just six elements to decision making, which have to be in place for us to make decisions that are easy to act on without self-doubt, procrastination, or self-sabotage.  These six elements make a decision meaningful, successful, and ultimately satisfying.  they all need to be present, and in balance with each other.  There needs to be not too much and not too little of each, and they each need to be balanced by the other elements, otherwise there will be problems on the level of crippling anxiety and ultimately, failure!  You'll see what I mean:

Firstly:  We have to know what we want.  This seems really obvious, but is often not so easy.  It can be simpler in a work situation, where what the company wants is often well-defined and explicitly stated.  That's why it's often easier to make decisions at work than in our personal lives.  At home, what we want is not necessarily so easy to define, as there are relationships, events beyond our control, and split loyalties, boundaries, and payoffs to consider.  Family dynamics and the way we have been brought up weigh in here as well.

Nevertheless, it is absolutely crucial:  we do have to know what we want.  When we know what we want, decision-making is possible.

You'll see the balance later on.  We don't want to only focus on what we want and ignore the needs of others (like our children, when they are children!)  Still, no decision will be successful unless we know what we want.  It's like the postcode for our satnav.

Secondly:  We need a strong sense of self.  This is closely linked with know what we want, and, in fact, makes that possible.  When we have a deeply rooted sense of who we are, we can know what we want.  (If there is no "me", how do I know what is right for "me"?). If we connect with who we are, deep down inside, then not only can we work out what we want, we can access our wonderful intuition and 'gut instincts', and any decision we make will be satisfying, because it will be 'us'. 

If, on the other hand, we try to make a decision which does not resonate with us internally, an unconscious part of us will sabotage and delay. 

Our sense of self can be eroded by living or working in an environment where who we are, what we want, our opinions or our contributions are overwhelmed by, or just come second to others' needs, their strong personalities, or the culture.  We can remain unseen by others, and when they don't reflect who we are in their responses, we can lose sense of who we are ourselves.  

People sometimes talk about being led by the heart.  Our hearts only give us our emotional response, which is not enough.  Stengthen and be led by your sense of self instead, and your heart will be delighted.

Our sense of self is our anchor and our home, and without a strong sense of self, we tend to be anxious, fretty, and, yes, find it difficult to make decisions.  

Thirdly:  We have to think clearly and rationally.  When we think clearly, we can work out how sensible a decision is, and what the logistics are for carrying it out.  Clear rational thought is as crucial as a good sense of self and knowing what we want.  Where there is too little rational thought, we will rely on our gut instincts too much, which may not be realistic. 

But, keep this in balance with sense of self.  Too much rational thinking, and we run the risk of analysis paralysis, going round and round with unhelpful thought loops, or just overthinking everything and never making that decision.  Catastrophising, generalising, the negative bias, these and many more are all examples of rational thinking pitfalls, and we all experience them from time to time.  

The key is to think just enough, and not fall foul of endless unhelpful thinking loops.  (There's a free video series here to help you with that).

Fourthly:  We need to take into account relationships and boundaries.  We don't want our decision to be based solely on our needs and conveniences, OR solely on others' needs and conveniences.  This is where we need empathy AND boundaries, or we will end up either ignoring others' needs or ignoring our own. 

If you are frightened of what others will think, or you look to others for approval or permission about what you want, then you need to strengthen your sense of self.  If you find yourself not caring about what others think or feel, this fourth element needs beefing up a bit.

Fifthly:  We need to eliminate inner conflict.  This means that we must get our brains in unconscious mode on the same page as our brains in rational and emotional mode.  Our unconscious brain is always focused on keeping us safe.  That's all it does.  If we don't have it on the same page as our rational, emotional brain, where our decisions are made, our unconscious 'survival brain' will always sabotage us, with the best of intentions. 

It does not do this because there is something wrong, or because it's betraying us.  Its job is to keep us from doing anything it sees as scary, or dangerous, or even new.  It is on our side, and wants the best for us, but may still have outdated ideas about what is dangerous.  If it's not happy with what we are planning, it will affect our rational thinking, and totally hijack our emotions.  If it doesn't like a decision we are making, it will veto it with self-sabotage of some kind.

This means that if we ignore our brains in their 'keeping us safe' modes, we may make some really good decisions, but we won't be able to carry them out.  The unconscious brain always has the last say, and will not allow us to carry out any decision it still sees as unsafe.  

Sixthly:  We need to look forwards towards what we want, and not to what we want to escape, or to what we don't want.  Of all the 'mindset' hacks, this is one is likely to be the most important, because our brains will lead us towards what we focus on!  It's like moving towards that postcode in our satnav.  We obviously need a good sense of self for this, and a clear idea of what we want. We need to know what our decision is supposed to bring about.  If we don't look forwards, we won't get to our desired destination.  Good planning is crucial for this step, as is reverse engineering from the desired outcome.

Just remember, our brains automatically lead us towards what we focus on most, so don't focus on what you don't want! 

And there's more.  When we look forwards, we need to focus specifically on what we want, and where we are going.  If we don't, we run the risk of trying to build a crystal ball and refusing to decide until we know exactly what will happen.  (That means we will never decide).  Too much future-focus means we also run the risk of trying to project ourselves constantly into the future and trying to determine what our future selves will feel like.  This feels both exhausting and frustrating.

So, looking forward needs to be in balance with the other elements.  Hint:  sense of self is crucial here, as our core sense of self will be with us at any time, so with a strong sense of self, forwards projection is unnecessary.  

So what now?

I do hope that this is helpful for you. I usually recommend that my clients work on strengthening all the six elements, and keep a beady eye on each staying in balance with the others. 

Try putting them in place or strengthening them one at a time, rather than all at once.  I have described them in the order they need to be taken, for the quickest, most efficient effect.  If you're reading through this, and you think you have almost every element in place, but you are still not able to make decisions easily, or your decisions don't 'stick', then look for any element you may be lacking, or the weakest, and concentrate your efforts on that one.  

If you would appreciate some help with this, there is a handy free download here, which will give you lots of ways to develop and use all six elements, so that you can make satisfying decisions easily.  This is something we go into in depth in the fully supported online programme Making Great Life Decisions, and you are welcome to enquire as to when there are spaces.  

Keep in touch, and let me know how it is going.

Click here for a free PDF on how to take the six steps, one by one.