Self-confidence is a Skill

Self-confidence is a skill

In this edition I am going to have a look at developing self-confidence and what that means for us in practice.  We all know we can appear to be self-confident, but that is not the same as actually being self-confident.  It is totally possible to appear confident and secretly feel lacking in confidence at the same time.

Firstly, what is self-confidence?  Well, actually, confidence is a skill.  You’ve probably heard that before.  It is not dependent on your history, your upbringing or your genes, although all of those can help or hinder.  Whatever your background, it is true that you can build self-confidence through practice, and the more you practise, the better you get at it.

But what does that actually mean for us?  What skills?  How do I practise?  Indeed, skillsyouneed.com say  ‘Confidence is not something that can be learned like a set of rules; confidence is a state of mind’. 

There’s a lot more theory about self-confidence and confidence in general.

Mindtools.com say that ‘Self-confidence means trusting in your own judgment, capacities and abilities. It's about valuing yourself and feeling worthy, regardless of any imperfections or what others may believe about you’.

That’s all true and at the same time not very helpful.  How do I trust my own judgement?  How do I value myself and feel worthy?  How do I achieve a ‘state of mind’?

The people over at Psychologytoday.com are a bit more helpful and say that ‘Confidence is a belief in oneself, the conviction that one has the ability to meet life's challenges and to succeed—and the willingness to act accordingly. Being confident requires a realistic sense of one’s capabilities and feeling secure in that knowledge’.

This is a little more pragmatic.  It talks about having a realistic sense of one’s capabilities and feeling secure in that knowledge.  But what a capabilities do I need to have a realistic sense of and how am I going to feel secure in that knowledge?  And what does it mean in practice to have a belief in oneself?

So, let’s look at what we need for self-confidence, what are the skills I can develop, and how do I start?

It is true that we need a particular mind-set, or a particular mix of attitudes, in order to have self-confidence.  They all have to do with establishing agency, the ability to take action.  Here are the most important.

Strong connection with our sense of self:  when we talk about self-confidence, there needs to be a ‘self’ who is confident, and we need to know who we are, and be connected with who we are, for there to be a strong self.  We need to know who is taking action.  Sense of self is not what you would put on your CV, it’s a feeling deep down inside that ‘this is me’.  Here is a way of beginning to get to know your sense of self:

1. Start with what you know. Think of something you resonate with, that feels as if it nourishes you, as if it is a right fit for you.  This could be a character trait (e.g. spontaneity, empathy, persistence, sense of humour), or a passion (music, travel, home-making, organising, sport), or something that you do that brings you calm, inner peace, inspiration, a feeling of ‘rightness’.
2. When you have thought of something, notice what your physical sensations are inside as you think of it. Is there tingling, cool, warmth, tightening, expansion, strengthening, softening, movement, or change in breathing?  Whatever your sensations are (it doesn’t matter what they are, it’s the act of noticing that matters), stay with those sensations for a couple of minutes.  This logs in long-term memory the body memory of you responding to something your sense of self aligns with.

The more often you do this, the more you begin to connect with your sense of self.

Training your mind’s focus on the positive.  This means aiming for what you do want rather than avoiding what you do not want.  We very time you think ‘I don’t want this’, pivot it and think ‘if I don’t want this, what DO I want?’. Then you can take appropriate action, which supports self-confidence.

Start making small decisions very deliberately.  For instance, instead of ‘going with the flow’, decide what you want to wear each day, decide exactly what to have for breakfast, decide in which order to do a list of tasks – and then stick to that decision.  Making minor decisions is a skill and a habit which we can lose when we lose our sense of self and our self-confidence.

Develop a growth mind-set rather than a fixed mind-set.  This means every time you think ‘I am’ or ‘this is’ (something that is fixed) , replace that with an active verb.  E.g. ‘I am not good at organising’ becomes ‘I can learn how to organise better’.  Or ‘I am a really good swimmer’ becomes ‘I have trained hard and it is paying off’.  ‘This is a terrible situation’ becomes ‘This could provide good feedback’ or ‘This situation brings many opportunities’.  At its most simple, it means turning ‘being’ into ‘doing’.  We have no control over how things are, but we can almost always do something.  That builds confidence.

Self-referencing.  This means referring to yourself for the last say in something.  Take advice, by all means, but practise making the decision yourself, whether it is about an action or just an opinion.  You could start this by asking ‘What do I really feel about this?’ Or ‘Given all the information I have, what do I think is the best course of action?’.  Of course this relies on knowing what I think and feel, which is about connection with your sense of self.  So these approaches all interlink and support each other.

Dealing with unconscious thought patterns and sabotaging beliefs.  Every time you feel something that is negative about yourself, write down what that feeling is and what it seems to be saying.  You may even have words coming readily to mind.  The first step is discovering what our negative beliefs are.  Then brainstorm what you might think instead, to empower yourself more (see what I did there?) and write those thoughts down as well.  Whenever you can, replace the negative thoughts with more positive ones.

Lastly, physical strength, flexibility and stamina help enormously with self-confidence.  Start an exercise regime which is fun, build up your strength and flexibility, and eat your proteins and greens!

If the talk about sense of self resonates with you, there's a lovely programme that shows you how to identify, connect, and align with your sense of self.  Click here to see more  https://anne-cheshire-coaching.mykajabi.com/senseofself

If you want to go further into developing your Sense of Self, training your mind’s focus on the positive, decision-making, growth mind-set, self-referencing and dealing with unconscious thoughts patterns and sabotaging beliefs, you may want to look at the ten-week online programme with me Making Great Life Decisions.